Bringing it all together

I've been a christian all of my life. In going through turmoil, I prayed and asked God to help me, and I believe He did.

I didn't think He did until recently. I know He did, now. And He was, all along the way.

I have no doubt.

I was introduced to the book "the secret", and from that book, researched everything I could about the law of attraction.

This brought me to the teachings of Abraham, and the "law of attraction".

It's interesting, as the law of attraction is based on the supposition that God does not exist as we think He does. That there is no "Jesus" to speak of. God isn't what we think He is.

The universe is the power behind these things.

I was a little afraid, as the more I searched, the more it began to come clear to me that "the secret" was bringing hope. Whereas attending church, was not.

Now I see things in an even clearer perspective. I believe that what is presented is truth. The law of attraction is real. But you know, so is Jesus. So is God.

I believe this great God of the universe knows "the secret", has always known "the secret", and put me in touch with it, knowing that I would learn what I needed to in order to bring real relief to my soul, and to my life.

And it has. I do get down sometimes, but I rebound more quickly. I have more hope in my life, I have more joy, I have "more."

I also think that "the secret" was always there, in the Bible, for all to see. But blindly we looked for others to explain what the Bible said. We are taught to study, and to ask the pastor what it means, if we don't know.

To ask those with more light, I guess. Pfft.

Where did our ability to reason go?

I hate to say it, but churches brought me nothing but pain. All of my life, in fact.

When I look back, I can think of no comfort that came unconditionally. It was always, "if". If if if if if if if.

Isn't the opposite of that what the church is supposed to do? Isn't that what Jesus commanded? To be "unconditional love".

I often wonder what went wrong.

The secret, is truth. The Bible, is truth. Church? Lost that truth somewhere...

I think honestly that "the secret" is being presented in a way that tries to make God, Jesus, the whole christian experience, redundant.

The problem, I'm afraid, is that this teaching of the law of attraction is indeed truth, and strangely enough, supported by the Bible.

I think this is the parable of the talents from the Bible, and many, many other teachings. Many stories of pictures, in words.

Give people the power to show the world who they really are. Allow them the tools to manifest a mirror image of who... they... are.

I must ask... why were we not taught this by our christian leaders? Why do those who have spent years upon years in a seminary, knowing these truths, have kept them from the believers? If they didn't know, what were they learning?

Oh yeah, church. They were learning about church. What about, "truth"?

Here's some "truth", and I don't need a minister to translate, now that I have experienced it for myself:

"Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about those things." Phil 4:8

The law of attraction at work.

"So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." Col 3:1-2

As above, so below, as stated in the Emerald Tablet.

"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..." Proverbs 23:7

Again, the law of attraction put in the simplest terms that anyone can understand.

^"...and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus..." Ephesians 2:6

Interesting, as the belief is that your "higher self" becomes what you are desiring, and then manifests in your life. Where is this "higher self"? I believe this is the answer, in simple terms.

Why in 37 years of going to church, in reading the Bible, did these things escape me? Most importantly, why are these things not taught in churches? As to the reason they are there?

I can only draw a conclusion based on my own experience, and that is for whatever reason, the truth is coming out. The bad thing is, it's coming out in a way that tries to make christianity redundant.

I have to think that the church has done a good job of becoming redundant by itself.

People need to know the power they have been given. The power they have over their own lives, and their own destiny.

Free people, don't set them in bondage. Show people the laws that God has laid down, don't hide them, sugarcoat them, or coat them with lies.

I don't have a conclusion to make here, I'm just dumbfounded.

I believe Jesus came and died for us, in order for us to be able to manifest more powerfully what is good and pure, if we believe.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Eph 3: 20,21

St Luke 17:21, "Behold, the kingdom of God is within you."

I also believe that this "salvation" echoes farther than we have been taught. I believe we have a gift. It's time to use it to co-create our lives, and to make a difference.

"...I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" John 10:10.

The steps to the secret are ask, believe, and receive. Thoughts... become... things.

"...as is right, because your faith is growing abundantly, and the love of every one of you for one another is increasing." 2 Thess 1:3.

I'll be honest. I don't know my life's purpose anymore. But I do know I am moving towards something more wonderful than I have every experienced.

Baby steps.

My dearest wish, is that one day I will become a perfect mirror, and that my desires will both reflect, and echo, that which I believe is true love and purity.

I wish to manifest these things in my life, and manifest them abundantly for the benefit of all who love me. And to be that love made manifest.

This is my dearest desire, above all things.

20 Years Ago: A Dream

20 years ago, when I was young:

I had a dream.
It was unworldly. Vivid. Special. Just for me and only me.
You showed me something and asked me a question.
How strange it felt that you expected no answer.

Those 20 years ago, when I was young.

Today, in an instant, I know. Suddenly, like a flash of lightning.
And like the thunder that follows I remembered the dream, and your question.
It plays back in my mind. I remember.

From 20 years ago. When I was young.

I now have the answer: It is "yes". That is the answer to your question.
You knew, didn't you? You knew this day would come!

Even 20 years ago, when I was young.

Who am I that you would be mindful of me?
You have never stopped being with me.
You have always been here with me.

Even 20 years ago, when I was young.

With tears of gratitude I thank you from all that I am.
Thank you for guiding me.
Thank you for loving me.

Duality is a disease.

Men are from Mars, women from Venus.

Why divide?

Separation?

Difference?

We are close. Closer than we see.

We feel it.

We are connection made manifest.

Men are born of the sun. Women of moon.

But one earth!

Oh... just ONE earth.

The stars are their children.

Of father sun and mother moon...

Perfect children.

Where light and darkness mingle, is beauty. True beauty.

We are all one.

I am a man. I chose to be. You, the woman.

We are perfectly different, made different to perfectly connect.

Ah, to connect. Not to divide. Not to separate.

We are born into intimacy. A natural flow.

A perfection of choice, and of being.

Two lights. One purpose. One painting.

Only one sunrise.

Only one sunset.

Two lights as one.

Perfection made manifest.

The dark night of the soul.

Love was there.

Family, identity. The love of children.

The smile of my baby boy. The laughter of my little girl.

Growing old together. Sharing. Honesty. Trust. Faithfulness.

A home built for family. To feel safe in. To love in.

Gone in a moment.

Forever gone.

I lie awake. I pray.

I feel something around me.

Feeling angels cutting a part of me away. What are they doing to me? Something around me? Something binding me? I notice it, I feel it, but it does not hurt. They finish, and go. I feel another part of me is gone.

I do not understand. But the angels leave no words. No comfort.

Alone. Despair. Shadows. Dreams. Nightmares and I.

And horror. Horror.

Nothing left.

Life or Death? I care not. I fear now to be, but not to die.

Who am I?

Why am I?

How much can one man suffer, and still be?

Chasing silence. Chasing shadows. Lighting candles.

I pray. Too hurt to cry. Agony. Emptiness.

No tears. No relief.

Silence. Nothing. It's empty. Forever empty.

Time is eternity.

A... spark? Feeling something. Feeling.

Something... stirring.

Pain? Always... no... no. It's different. Growing. Birthing... something inside.

Deep inside.

Pain from... being born? Something... like being born. Aching. Expanding.

Seasons change.

I pray once.

Praying from somewhere new? My own voice inside...

Somehow different. Echoing. Depth. I feel power.

From deep. Just... deep.

The world is different. I see it, different.

I go outside, and watch the sunrise.

Birds chirping. Wind blowing. Animals calling.

A chill in the air.

It sounds like me. It feels like me. I feel it all... deep. Just deep.

It's echoing inside me. I am connected. I am a part of it.

Not alone. No longer alone. Never alone.

I feel... love.

It's small. It's just a little. But it feels true. Like gold purified in a fire.

It feels... pure.

Holy.

I feel... power there.

Love made it all. All of it. The birds, the wind, the sunrise...

And this. Love made this. Love gave me this.

Love connects me to it all. All of it outside of me. Somehow. I know it. I don't know how.

Love made me.

Just... love.

It can never be taken away from me.

Never.

On soulmates and the twin flame.

I'm learning a lot about soulmates and the concept of the twin flame.

I've found some very interesting ideas.

Unless we learn to live a life from the perspective of love, and from our own awakened heart, we cannot be drawn closer to our soulmate, nor they to us.

Along those lines, if we desire our soulmate with expectation of what we are to receive FROM them, and not from a sincere and total desire of what we want to GIVE them, again, we cannot be drawn closer, one to another.

The key, it seems, is the desire to express unconditional love. In loving for the sake of loving. In giving to another that which only we can give, and choose to give freely.

Obviously, none of this is possible unless we connect with God, and God's love. But I believe that is the basis for an awakened heart, as well.

And a huge part of that step, is to decide to RECEIVE God's love. Some feel that they are unworthy to receive that. How far they are from the truth.

I have a great desire to love another as they were made to be loved. However, the desire must be there to give only the purest form of love... without expectation or reward.

Giving love is it's own reward. We were created to love each other.

It's human nature to be selfish, but one higher truth rings true:

We can never really run out of love to give. The more we freely give, the more love we freely receive.

Something to think about.

It's the same!

Kind of moving forward on a concept that I was exploring in another blog I wrote, is the concept that one's capacity for suffering is directly proportional to one's capacity to feel joy in the next life, and that one's capacity to inflict suffering on another, is also directly proportional to one's capacity to feel suffering in the next life.

Taking this forward, I've found some parallels with our daily emotional life that I find interesting.

For one, the very device with which we give love emotionally, is that which we also receive.

This should be a "wow" moment if you haven't realized this. It was for me!

If you hide behind a wall, and rob others of the love that only you can give, why be surprised when that is the quality of love that you receive?

Think of giving, and spreading about what God has given you without thought of reward. If you do, that is the very mechanism with which you receive abundance.

I'm starting to see the mark of a master architect on anything and everything. It is perfect, and yet remains hidden. It truly is a game of chasing silence, if you will.

I don't understand why these things eluded me before, when they were a part of me, and all around me... right in front of my nose.

What the stars have shown me

I ordered a neonatal astrology report, inputting my birthday, time of birth to the minute, and place of birth. I wanted to get an ancient perspective on my past, and frankly, I'm open to new tools in whatever form they may take.

I was blown away.

I mean I've read the daily horoscopes, and frankly, their accuracy is terrible.

But wow, when you have one created just for you? I can honestly say that the report was about 85% accurate.

It served it's purpose... I found exactly written down what I have been struggling from.

And that's the key, isn't it? Without a correct perspective of the past, how does one chart a new future?

If found it very interesting that within the report was a summary that stated I would relearn how to live at a point in my life, but I had to break free first.

Amazing. Here I am.

I've become aware through meditation of something interesting. I'm rather at an impasse regarding it.

Through expanding my awareness of my thoughts, I've become aware for a little while now of this flowing river of thoughts that, until recently, has passed by my consciousness unnoticed and unchecked.

Negative energy, self-defeatist, unworthiness. These thoughts were flowing past my rational mind, and straight into manifesting exactly what they are intended to: heartbreak, job loss, financial loss, uncertainty, fear, and defeat.

No wonder I hit rock bottom.

Now that I have the knowledge of what was the cause, exactly how do I fix it? I was in technical repair for all of my working life.

I know I have to comprehend and utilize the tools available to me. But it's hard to grasp that which is metaphysical, much less find an exact tool or process that you trust to have results.

I suppose awareness is the beginning of fulfillment, it's just that the journey is new.

I'm like a baby waking up in a new world that was always there, but I couldn't see it before.

The tiger, the hero, and the princess.

I'm one of those people (hell, maybe I'm the only one) who has to figure something out from all angles, and then see it all at once. Until all tangents of thought are explored, the picture is incomplete for me.

But once it is complete, it's like an image of life in three dimensions... it's not just a bunch of thoughts anymore but has taken on a life of it's own.

For the last 2 nights, I've been struggling, even "fighting" in my dreams -- and the places were always far below the ground. It's as if everything I've been reaching out for... every source of help, every new thought, every new philosophy I've been reseaching and taken from was making pathways throughout my psyche. They have all connected and interwoven in strange ways that I guess I needed them to do. I didn't do it. I haven't the wisdom or the knowledge to do so.

One dream stands out -- one is very clear. I was in a room with all kinds of people. But they were like shadows. I was off to myself somewhere in the back of the room. All I know is that the room was far below ground. There was a tiger, a beautiful tiger. It was almost glowing. A soft, golden light was playing like a gentle aura all around this animal. There was a thick chain on it's neck, attached to an iron collar. It was sitting, and it had a sad look in it's eyes. Everyone thought it was dangerous, and so it was kept chained.

For some reason, I had a desire to go get to know this great cat. I wanted to walk over to it, even pet it. But I was afraid. It was chained for a reason, I thought. It had to be good reason.

Then there was this dirty, ragged looking cat that was literally ramming me. I would grab it, and toss it far away from me, but it would keep coming back. It wouldn't let me keep my attention on the tiger. It wouldn't let me ponder about the cat, and I couldn't keep my mind on why I wanted to get to know it. I couldn't explore why I wanted to pet it, or why it had a heavy collar and why it was chained.

I am the cat with the dirty face and the rough, ragged fur. I'm made up of what I thought I deserved, and eventually received. And it is keeping me from being who I really want to be and want to do. This image is the personification of my lack of belief in myself up to this point in my life.

I'm also the noble tiger who is chained. I am BOTH. But I only know ONE right now. I'm fighting for my life to be that tiger... and I will release him!

But I think I discovered the key. I think I know how to become what I want to become. It's PASSION. I have to find it at any cost. No cost is too great for me at this point in my life.

We are conditioned to want what society tells us we should want. I still get a magazine, "Maxim" every month. I hardly read it, or look at it anymore. It's always the same anyway... scantily clad women in seductive poses, and lots of ads for cologne, clothes, watches, cars. There's a message from society there: get these things, and you can have what's in the pictures: a hot looking, beautiful trophy with no soul. A trophy. Trophies have no soul. It's just a page on a magazine. It's not real, or real life. Or rather a fulfilling life.

God created man to be the hero. Take a group of boys, and you see through their play, that they each want to be the hero. They will even take turns, but everyone of them wants their turn to play the hero.

Take a group of girls. Through their play, you can see that they each want to be the princess. I've watched it with my daughter. It's like a divine imprint. Man was created to be the hero, and a woman, the princess. It's intriguing for me to hear a woman talk about her wedding, "one day". Just one way she gets to be the princess she deserves to be on her special day. I always wondered why my sister wore a tiara :P

A "princess" is not a "damsel in distress". Women do not need, nor really want to be rescued. If they do, it's called codependence and it's not healthy for either the "rescued", nor the "rescuer".

We are hard wired in many ways that you just can't force men and women to be "unisex". The whole notion of a unisex society has miserably failed. FAILED.

One of the stupidest notions ever introduced on this planet was that "equal" means "the same". Men and women are uniquely and wonderfully made different in both mind and body, yet equal. Their differences are their strengths, and they compliment each other. I am glad that this is so.

I find a lot of comfort in knowing that a strong backlash is brewing. A woman who embraces her femininity finds an strong inner confidence -- one that was previously shattered by society's belief that one woman can be everything at once and succeed. An emasculated man who takes back what was slowly and forcibly taken from him by shaming tactics finds his own direction for his life where he should have -- in his own powerful and wild heart.

Let me be clear to the men out there: Find your passion, follow it, never letting your eyes leave it, and you'll find that often your princess will follow. She is drawn to something that's in you. You and your passion must be inseparable.

Your focus must be on whatever is the passion of your life. If your focus is on getting a woman, you will gain neither passion, or the woman. If you keep your eyes on your passion, the rest will follow.

You cannot be the hero you want and deserve to be if you lack the hero's passion. It is what defines the hero. It's the ONLY thing that makes it possible to go from playing the hero as a boy, to becoming one as a man. Nobody teaches this. It's almost like nobody wants you to know.

You can only find this passion when you look at things lit from the burning light of your own heart. Not what others tell you, is it? You are conditioned to use THEIR light. THEIR perspective. Frankly, you're conditioned to lose, if you listen to or care what society thinks.

The last time I looked, there will be only one person in my coffin.

It is MY life.

It's hard to start living from your heart. It's hard to walk from that new perspective. It's as if everything you see, everything you've ever known looks different because it is lit by a different light. Things look QUITE different. What looked good before looks repulsive, and what looked unpleasant before shines with a new beauty I couldn't see before in a different light.

I find I often stumble.

But at least it feels right, for once. I know that as I walk, my life's passion will manifest... I just have to remember to only step forward when I see the way lit by my OWN heart.

On a child's suffering.

I'm going to write this subjectively, and without fear:

Why, when I was an innocent little boy, did God allow me to suffer so greatly? To chain a lifetime of burdens on one who was so trusting, and so innocent that it would haunt him, paralyze him, all throughout his life?

But I was born sinful! I reject this. At least at face value. I believe there is wisdom in the meaning of that statement, but I don't believe it is the universal "Blankie of Reasoning" (tm) that people are taught at face value. To shed a little light on what I am saying is that I was fated to be born here. And frankly, right there. At that time, in that place in order to be who I am, and to have experienced that which I have experienced.

You have to understand, that usually I'm on the other side of the fence as is expected of a "good christian boy".

This time, the gloves are off.

Children are raped, murdered, beaten, lied to, abandoned, and many die without ever knowing what love is.

I've stayed silent and watched others with a greater intellect than I will ever have battle back and forth. Some are from a christian perspective, and others a more atheistic approach.

This may startle you, but like I said, the gloves are off:

Some people think that God is cruel. He's the patriarchal "Old God". He has the power, but chooses not use it to save the innocent. I can understand this conclusion.

After all, isn't this by very definition in our society, an actual accessory to the crime?

In our society, knowing ahead of time of one's intention to commit a crime, yet in choosing to do nothing puts you dangerously close to being an accessory, and in being charged yourself.

The other idea, is that God is impotent to act. This could be due to spiritual warfare, or the like.

If the first concept is true, then humanity has a decision to make. We should be members of the rebellion, regardless of the end result. It's true to what's right, isn't it? The farthest I've seen a christian apologetic go, is to finally throw up his hands and say, "God created us, so therefore He has right to destroy us, as well."

How... loving.

I don't believe the 2nd view, as that One with power enough to design life so intelligently should be made so powerless by warfare.

I've pondered these things, and frankly I've been afraid, and even ashamed to ponder them. But I think the right and strong thing -- the surest thing for our nature is to question, to search, and to find the truth, as limited in scope that can be with such unknown variables.

I don't believe personally that either of the above is true. I personally believe a different concept, and the heart of that is that He is intervening not by action, but by perfect design. As the architect, if you will.

Let me tell you what I have learned. It's not what you've heard. I can promise you that.

I have suffered all of my life. Even in the best of times, I was dead inside. I was unwanted: This idea was reinforced day after day, hour after hour, by those I looked to for love and protection. I was treated as such from birth. I lacked the capacity to experience intimacy of any sort. I still struggle daily in all of my relationships. Life was and is a dull grey. There were times that I was as close to death as you can be. Simply a few more steps in that direction, and I wouldn't be writing this.

Do you know what capacity for suffering I have? Do you know what it's like to be one of the walking dead from birth? Unable to feel love yet yearn for it, praise, yet when received, not believed, or feel any respect from anyone in your life? Even if any of these things were given to me, I did not have the capacity to accept them. I could not feel them.

I've felt that I had done my part... I've searched everywhere, I've read everything, I've asked for help, I've prayed longer than most people can stay conscious.

I've asked God for help so many times, and all I felt was silence.

I think I am finally beginning to understand things in my life. The "why's", the questions with no answer, the anger. I've even learned that "silence" is the perfect expression of what God is. Not my "silence", not your "silence", but "silence". It is one, and the same for all of us. There's a great mystery here.

It seems that my life's questions are becoming like stacked dominoes. As one falls, the others fall -- one after another, unfailingly taking the next one down.

Yes, I am beginning to see the touch of something on my life. As you can see from my other posts... something is brewing. Something powerful, indeed.

I finally believe that my great capacity for pain and suffering that I have received is it's own reward. See where I go with this:

Some go through life, and the greatest suffering they will ever experience is when daddy bought them a blue convertible, and they wanted a red one.

The horror!

Let me ask you this, what does every man, woman, and child face on this earth?

Death.

It comes for us all, and is inescapable. I heard a story about a man who's slave saw Death while they were traveling. They had arrived in town, and she saw that Death was scowling at her, and she grew frightened. She begged her master, "Master! Please! Death has come for me! Let me escape to the next town, where I will be safe!"

Her master, having pity on her because of her great fear, gave her a camel, and allowed her freedom to speed on her way to the next town -- an all night's ride.

The master, after his terrified slave had departed, boldly moved forward and faced Death face to face. "Why have you appeared, and threatened my slave?"

Death narrowed his eyes, and spoke: "Know this: I did not mean to scare your slave, I was simply startled".

"Startled?" Gasped the girl's master.

"Yes." Explained Death, "For you see, I have an appointment to take her not here, today, but in the next town in the morning."

I believe that the very capacity of pain I have suffered has stretched that mystical place in side of me that can also be filled with happiness, joy, and love.

It may not come here, on this earth. -- I hope it does -- but it may not.

I may never have a loving companion at my side to experience true and healthy intimacy with... to share my life with. And I'm learning that it's okay.

I believe that there IS a place where things will be made right. I feel it within me. I've been here for a long, long time, and at 37 I feel as if I am 90 inside. There is something old in there, beyond my years. And from this place, I feel it to be true.

My own capacity for suffering, that which was stretched beyond what is inherent, will be my greatest joy one day, as that capacity is filled with something far better... far brighter... beyond what would normally have been possible with a life devoid of such debilitating anguish.

I'm a fan of the movie "Gladiator". In that movie, he says one thing that haunts me. "What we do in this life, echoes in eternity."

I believe also, that for those who have developed a greater and greater capacity to inflict suffering on others through making others suffer, is one day granted that same suffering, in that much greater capacity to feel it.

Hence: It's an answer of design, and an answer of the Architect's creation of the end. And frankly, like most things, not presented in a way you've heard before. Why is all the knowledge that means anything only that which is gained at great price? If I had not suffered so, I would not have so earnestly sought the answer.

I do take comfort in the answers I am finding. I do not know why it is happening so fast for me, perhaps my time is simply approaching, and being sensitive, I've caught wind of it.

I do know that I have faith that I will continue to find those answers I have sought throughout all of my life.

They are just the next row of dominoes fated to fall.