On a child's suffering.

I'm going to write this subjectively, and without fear:

Why, when I was an innocent little boy, did God allow me to suffer so greatly? To chain a lifetime of burdens on one who was so trusting, and so innocent that it would haunt him, paralyze him, all throughout his life?

But I was born sinful! I reject this. At least at face value. I believe there is wisdom in the meaning of that statement, but I don't believe it is the universal "Blankie of Reasoning" (tm) that people are taught at face value. To shed a little light on what I am saying is that I was fated to be born here. And frankly, right there. At that time, in that place in order to be who I am, and to have experienced that which I have experienced.

You have to understand, that usually I'm on the other side of the fence as is expected of a "good christian boy".

This time, the gloves are off.

Children are raped, murdered, beaten, lied to, abandoned, and many die without ever knowing what love is.

I've stayed silent and watched others with a greater intellect than I will ever have battle back and forth. Some are from a christian perspective, and others a more atheistic approach.

This may startle you, but like I said, the gloves are off:

Some people think that God is cruel. He's the patriarchal "Old God". He has the power, but chooses not use it to save the innocent. I can understand this conclusion.

After all, isn't this by very definition in our society, an actual accessory to the crime?

In our society, knowing ahead of time of one's intention to commit a crime, yet in choosing to do nothing puts you dangerously close to being an accessory, and in being charged yourself.

The other idea, is that God is impotent to act. This could be due to spiritual warfare, or the like.

If the first concept is true, then humanity has a decision to make. We should be members of the rebellion, regardless of the end result. It's true to what's right, isn't it? The farthest I've seen a christian apologetic go, is to finally throw up his hands and say, "God created us, so therefore He has right to destroy us, as well."

How... loving.

I don't believe the 2nd view, as that One with power enough to design life so intelligently should be made so powerless by warfare.

I've pondered these things, and frankly I've been afraid, and even ashamed to ponder them. But I think the right and strong thing -- the surest thing for our nature is to question, to search, and to find the truth, as limited in scope that can be with such unknown variables.

I don't believe personally that either of the above is true. I personally believe a different concept, and the heart of that is that He is intervening not by action, but by perfect design. As the architect, if you will.

Let me tell you what I have learned. It's not what you've heard. I can promise you that.

I have suffered all of my life. Even in the best of times, I was dead inside. I was unwanted: This idea was reinforced day after day, hour after hour, by those I looked to for love and protection. I was treated as such from birth. I lacked the capacity to experience intimacy of any sort. I still struggle daily in all of my relationships. Life was and is a dull grey. There were times that I was as close to death as you can be. Simply a few more steps in that direction, and I wouldn't be writing this.

Do you know what capacity for suffering I have? Do you know what it's like to be one of the walking dead from birth? Unable to feel love yet yearn for it, praise, yet when received, not believed, or feel any respect from anyone in your life? Even if any of these things were given to me, I did not have the capacity to accept them. I could not feel them.

I've felt that I had done my part... I've searched everywhere, I've read everything, I've asked for help, I've prayed longer than most people can stay conscious.

I've asked God for help so many times, and all I felt was silence.

I think I am finally beginning to understand things in my life. The "why's", the questions with no answer, the anger. I've even learned that "silence" is the perfect expression of what God is. Not my "silence", not your "silence", but "silence". It is one, and the same for all of us. There's a great mystery here.

It seems that my life's questions are becoming like stacked dominoes. As one falls, the others fall -- one after another, unfailingly taking the next one down.

Yes, I am beginning to see the touch of something on my life. As you can see from my other posts... something is brewing. Something powerful, indeed.

I finally believe that my great capacity for pain and suffering that I have received is it's own reward. See where I go with this:

Some go through life, and the greatest suffering they will ever experience is when daddy bought them a blue convertible, and they wanted a red one.

The horror!

Let me ask you this, what does every man, woman, and child face on this earth?

Death.

It comes for us all, and is inescapable. I heard a story about a man who's slave saw Death while they were traveling. They had arrived in town, and she saw that Death was scowling at her, and she grew frightened. She begged her master, "Master! Please! Death has come for me! Let me escape to the next town, where I will be safe!"

Her master, having pity on her because of her great fear, gave her a camel, and allowed her freedom to speed on her way to the next town -- an all night's ride.

The master, after his terrified slave had departed, boldly moved forward and faced Death face to face. "Why have you appeared, and threatened my slave?"

Death narrowed his eyes, and spoke: "Know this: I did not mean to scare your slave, I was simply startled".

"Startled?" Gasped the girl's master.

"Yes." Explained Death, "For you see, I have an appointment to take her not here, today, but in the next town in the morning."

I believe that the very capacity of pain I have suffered has stretched that mystical place in side of me that can also be filled with happiness, joy, and love.

It may not come here, on this earth. -- I hope it does -- but it may not.

I may never have a loving companion at my side to experience true and healthy intimacy with... to share my life with. And I'm learning that it's okay.

I believe that there IS a place where things will be made right. I feel it within me. I've been here for a long, long time, and at 37 I feel as if I am 90 inside. There is something old in there, beyond my years. And from this place, I feel it to be true.

My own capacity for suffering, that which was stretched beyond what is inherent, will be my greatest joy one day, as that capacity is filled with something far better... far brighter... beyond what would normally have been possible with a life devoid of such debilitating anguish.

I'm a fan of the movie "Gladiator". In that movie, he says one thing that haunts me. "What we do in this life, echoes in eternity."

I believe also, that for those who have developed a greater and greater capacity to inflict suffering on others through making others suffer, is one day granted that same suffering, in that much greater capacity to feel it.

Hence: It's an answer of design, and an answer of the Architect's creation of the end. And frankly, like most things, not presented in a way you've heard before. Why is all the knowledge that means anything only that which is gained at great price? If I had not suffered so, I would not have so earnestly sought the answer.

I do take comfort in the answers I am finding. I do not know why it is happening so fast for me, perhaps my time is simply approaching, and being sensitive, I've caught wind of it.

I do know that I have faith that I will continue to find those answers I have sought throughout all of my life.

They are just the next row of dominoes fated to fall.