20 Years Ago: A Dream

20 years ago, when I was young:

I had a dream.
It was unworldly. Vivid. Special. Just for me and only me.
You showed me something and asked me a question.
How strange it felt that you expected no answer.

Those 20 years ago, when I was young.

Today, in an instant, I know. Suddenly, like a flash of lightning.
And like the thunder that follows I remembered the dream, and your question.
It plays back in my mind. I remember.

From 20 years ago. When I was young.

I now have the answer: It is "yes". That is the answer to your question.
You knew, didn't you? You knew this day would come!

Even 20 years ago, when I was young.

Who am I that you would be mindful of me?
You have never stopped being with me.
You have always been here with me.

Even 20 years ago, when I was young.

With tears of gratitude I thank you from all that I am.
Thank you for guiding me.
Thank you for loving me.

The dark night of the soul.

Love was there.

Family, identity. The love of children.

The smile of my baby boy. The laughter of my little girl.

Growing old together. Sharing. Honesty. Trust. Faithfulness.

A home built for family. To feel safe in. To love in.

Gone in a moment.

Forever gone.

I lie awake. I pray.

I feel something around me.

Feeling angels cutting a part of me away. What are they doing to me? Something around me? Something binding me? I notice it, I feel it, but it does not hurt. They finish, and go. I feel another part of me is gone.

I do not understand. But the angels leave no words. No comfort.

Alone. Despair. Shadows. Dreams. Nightmares and I.

And horror. Horror.

Nothing left.

Life or Death? I care not. I fear now to be, but not to die.

Who am I?

Why am I?

How much can one man suffer, and still be?

Chasing silence. Chasing shadows. Lighting candles.

I pray. Too hurt to cry. Agony. Emptiness.

No tears. No relief.

Silence. Nothing. It's empty. Forever empty.

Time is eternity.

A... spark? Feeling something. Feeling.

Something... stirring.

Pain? Always... no... no. It's different. Growing. Birthing... something inside.

Deep inside.

Pain from... being born? Something... like being born. Aching. Expanding.

Seasons change.

I pray once.

Praying from somewhere new? My own voice inside...

Somehow different. Echoing. Depth. I feel power.

From deep. Just... deep.

The world is different. I see it, different.

I go outside, and watch the sunrise.

Birds chirping. Wind blowing. Animals calling.

A chill in the air.

It sounds like me. It feels like me. I feel it all... deep. Just deep.

It's echoing inside me. I am connected. I am a part of it.

Not alone. No longer alone. Never alone.

I feel... love.

It's small. It's just a little. But it feels true. Like gold purified in a fire.

It feels... pure.

Holy.

I feel... power there.

Love made it all. All of it. The birds, the wind, the sunrise...

And this. Love made this. Love gave me this.

Love connects me to it all. All of it outside of me. Somehow. I know it. I don't know how.

Love made me.

Just... love.

It can never be taken away from me.

Never.

What the stars have shown me

I ordered a neonatal astrology report, inputting my birthday, time of birth to the minute, and place of birth. I wanted to get an ancient perspective on my past, and frankly, I'm open to new tools in whatever form they may take.

I was blown away.

I mean I've read the daily horoscopes, and frankly, their accuracy is terrible.

But wow, when you have one created just for you? I can honestly say that the report was about 85% accurate.

It served it's purpose... I found exactly written down what I have been struggling from.

And that's the key, isn't it? Without a correct perspective of the past, how does one chart a new future?

If found it very interesting that within the report was a summary that stated I would relearn how to live at a point in my life, but I had to break free first.

Amazing. Here I am.

I've become aware through meditation of something interesting. I'm rather at an impasse regarding it.

Through expanding my awareness of my thoughts, I've become aware for a little while now of this flowing river of thoughts that, until recently, has passed by my consciousness unnoticed and unchecked.

Negative energy, self-defeatist, unworthiness. These thoughts were flowing past my rational mind, and straight into manifesting exactly what they are intended to: heartbreak, job loss, financial loss, uncertainty, fear, and defeat.

No wonder I hit rock bottom.

Now that I have the knowledge of what was the cause, exactly how do I fix it? I was in technical repair for all of my working life.

I know I have to comprehend and utilize the tools available to me. But it's hard to grasp that which is metaphysical, much less find an exact tool or process that you trust to have results.

I suppose awareness is the beginning of fulfillment, it's just that the journey is new.

I'm like a baby waking up in a new world that was always there, but I couldn't see it before.